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Damn that media with their lies and slander... I'm not THE biggest asshole ever! Oh, and in case you're wondering, this is what the newspaper says: As you may know, we here at the Anti-Ben Tribune hate that damned dolphin-weilding bastard Ben. It is our consensus that Ben is the biggest asshole ever and should die. His utter disregard for others as he shoots off those concussive sea mammals of his labels him a threat to all civilized life. Also, his habit of pelvic thrusting is crude and obscene.

Metroid, Samus Aran, Space Pirates, and all that other stuff are properties of Nintendo. Contra is a property of Konami. All other characters are property of their respective owners. Pretty much everything else is property of me, unless specifically noted otherwise.